Feeling guilty

I have two amazing little boys. I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world even on the days they make me crazy (aka every day). But this is one of those hard nights.

I look at them sleeping, together in one bed, the youngers head almost on the older’s shoulder, curled up close together and I know how blessed i am. They light up my life and I can’t imagine it without them.
And then I have nights like tonight. Nights where I look at them and love them more than I knew was possible. Nights where I remember how hard it was to get them and how much heartbreak we went though to have them. And the tears come and I feel so guilty.
Because something is missing. That little girl, that baby sister that I yearn for in my soul.
Again, I love these boys. I would die for these boys. I wouldn’t trade these boys for all the daughters in the world. But I have this ache. My entire life there has never been a future that was imagined without a little girl. I don’t know how to explain it and maybe that’s why my husband doesn’t understand. I know I’m supposed to have a daughter. But how do you say that without people thinking these boys don’t mean the world to me.
It’s not one without the other. It’s one together with the other.
And as it seems everyone around me is having little girls the ache inside me grows.
And maybe the path I thought I was on, the life I thought I would have, the family I thought we would be, isn’t real. As every decision that we make changes the road ahead, maybe that lead me to the road where I have 2 boys and no daughters rather than 2 boys and a daughter. And maybe it’s the road ahead that will decide that. Turn left: get a daughter; turn right: no daughters.
With an oldest that asks for a baby sister, and a youngest that acts like a middle, maybe that baby girl is just around the corner. But with a husband that thinks 2 is the perfect amount, maybe that baby girl is just a dream (memory?).
Either way I know that I’m living the life I was meant to live. And I wouldn’t trade one of my little boys for all the daughters in the world. But maybe, just maybe, someday I will get the little sister my boys have asked for and my heart yearns for. But if I don’t, I still wouldn’t trade a second of the life I’m living for the one that could have been.

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