Life Down South

So a lot has happened since my last post. We did move south. We moved 1700 miles from everyone and everything we know. We are 81 days in our new home. Husband is working his new job now and the boys and I are trying to get a schedule going. In our new life, Friday is our Monday and Tuesday is our Friday and it’s another new thing we have to get used to.

But let me tell you, we are loving our new life in Florida. The introvert in me was so scared about meeting new people, but I was the one who made friends first which led to Husband’s friends. We weren’t even here a week when I met Beebs who immediately adopted me into her family. A week later Husband was friends with her boyfriend and parents and a month later I was on a bus trip for her birthday. And that’s just one of the many friends we have made down here. They don’t replace the friends up there, and we can’t wait for the up there people to meet the down here people.

Our first weekend here, my parents were here helping us get settled and BOY did that help. Not only did Mom help get things unpacked, Dad and Husband “looked into things” and shopped and mostly stayed out of our hair. We got to show them some places we liked. But most importantly to me was that they liked our house and the got to see the neighborhood and know that we moved into a nice neighborhood and that although I know they will worry, they don’t have to.

Just a couple weeks later Husbands brother and sister-in-law came and stayed a night on their way home from vacation, and they got to see why we love it here. And then a week later, my FIL and his girlfriend came down too. (They winter just over an hour from us which was another selling point when we picked here to be home). So at this point, a lot of our family has seen our new home and although we don’t need their approval, it really helps both of us that they’ve been here and see at least part of what we see.

Now on to us. Oh my goodness. This is home. I say it on a regular basis, but this is home. Where we are right now feels more like home than where we were ever did to me. I don’t know how else to explain it. At the end of our first month here, I drove across the state to Miami because my best friend was turning 50 and was on a cruise in and out from there. She had an afternoon before she had to get on a plane and go home. So I drove 3 hours to spend 6 hours with her. And as much as Miami sucks (sorry if you like it. I’m not going back ever!!!), I was so happy to get to spend those hours with her. But driving home, I crossed the bridge to get home, and going over the bridge I had a big sigh of relief because I was home. I was HOME. It was the first real time I knew this was home.

I don’t know how to explain it other than this is home. It’s where we belong. I said from the beginning, when we first started talking about the move, the first trip down to look at the house, that the biggest issue we would have would be me being homesick. I’m sorry, guys, but I’m not homesick. This is home.

Don’t get me wrong. There are people that I miss seeing on a regular basis. I don’t know how to say it where it doesn’t hurt someone’s feelings, but if my mom isn’t mad at me for my words, no one else gets to be. Because overall, I’m not sad. I’m not missing people. Don’t get me wrong. Are there people that I wish were here right now? Of course there are. Are there certain people I miss more on certain days? Certainly. This is a big general not homesick statement that I hope you can all understand. And I feel like people who have made big moves will understand what I mean.

Because there is a little girl who is turning 2 this week with a party tomorrow that I’m missing, and I’m sad about that. I would love to be in Indiana for that party. And I’ve got a friend getting married in Indiana at the end of August and I’m going to miss that too. And I’m sorry for that. But overall, talking big picture, it’s more like I’m home and they are on a long vacation.

And I think that’s currently the hardest part for me. When I get a random text or comment on facebook that’s “I miss you” or “we miss you guys” and I reply “we miss you too.” And it’s because it’s the right thing to say. There are times I miss everyone, but overall we are just so happy there’s no room for homesickness. The boys and I actually talked about decorating for Christmas this week because our house has a built in shelf which is perfect for the Christmas houses that we got from Husband’s mom when she died. There’s even an outlet up there so I can plug in their lights.

So maybe when Christmas gets here I’ll get home sick. Honestly I hope not and I hope you all feel the same way for me. Because I might have moved 1700 miles away, but some things always stay the same. I talk to my mom on the phone about 5 days a week. And while I don’t see my friends every day, we text regularly. We call and Facetime. We have plans for them to visit. I know when I need them they are there. And sometimes we even get to play darts against each other from 1700 miles away.

The moral of this story is we took a giant chance and so far it’s working out. 81 days in and we are happy. We are so happy. We are home.

We found home. We are happy. I hope you all are as happy for us as we would be for you. Those of you looking for home, I hope you find it like we have. We are home. And it is good.

These are my people

My life has gotten weird. Me from even ten years ago would not recognize the me today. Ten years ago Husband was my main friend and my other friends had moved states away. Ten years ago I was happy staying home with my 2 crazy little boys, and while they played I read my books. Me from ten years ago is completely confused by the me of today.

The me of today has a gang. Okay it was just the three of us on day one, but everyone wanted to be a part of it. We have a Facebook group page. I’m part of a group chat. I’m part of a group that talks every day and gets together at least 2 if not 5 times a week. I have friends that I honestly believe would die for me. I would take a bullet for them. I did a post before about how my friends now are better than my friends then. And while I stand by that post, my two girls now are even better.

And what is giving me all the feels tonight is the fact that I’m about to move 5 states and 20 hours (2 1/2 if flying allegiant) away. And they say they will come. They’ve already planned Thanksgiving. And I really thought moving away from my mom was going to be the hardest part…(sorry mom) but these girls I have now. These girls I didn’t know I needed. These girls I didn’t know I loved are the hardest part about moving.

I thought I had friends before. If you’ve read my words, you read my words about the friends I had before. I thought they were the best you could have. I thought that was all I would ever have. And if you’ve read my words, you know they left me. You know I was heartbroken. You know I thought that was the best it would be. I was wrong.

I WAS WRONG!!!!

The girls I have today are so much more. They have no idea how hard even the idea of leaving them is. And lets be honest…. There’s two on the top and at least three more that are close. So for my girls reading this, I hope feelings aren’t hurt but here are all my feelings.

I hate leaving you all. Would you all just move with me? Its warm in Florida.

I don’t know how I go on without you. I’ve never had girl friends like I have with you. I tell you all my secrets. I tell you all my everythings. You are my everythings.

And so for my girls on top (we all know I don’t want to do the work so I want to be on bottom) I have words I want you to know. I want you to know how much I love you. I want you to know that I will not can not replace you. I want you to know that I am amazed everyday that I have you because I didn’t know I could have people like you. I didn’t know that anyone would love me like you guys do and I didn’t know I would love anyone like I love you two.

To my others I am sorry if this sounds like I love you less because I don’t. But I feel like you should understand where I’m coming from. You’ve seen us together. You’ve told us to be quiet or settle down. You know what we’re like when the three of us are together. And can you honestly imagine any other three people together like we are?

Other than marrying Husband, I can not think of another thing I’ve done in the last 20 years that feels as right as us moving away does. This feels the most right and I know you girls are happy for us while you’re mad were going. I can’t believe I’m leaving you. If ever there was going to be people I stayed for, it is you. I’m crying as I type these words because I know I’m leaving you. I don’t want to leave you. How soon can you move south?

Since the night Husband and I said move south I haven’t had any doubts. 100 % of the time its felt right. Right now is the closest I’ve felt to a doubt and I know its not doubts. Its tears running down my face because I know it’s right. I know now is the time. I know we are supposed to go. But it is killing me leaving you. I know we are supposed to go. I don’t know how to describe it, but I know God is calling us away.

We have been trying to move for years and every time it’s felt like God has been telling us to stay. And now God is telling us to go. I’m ready. I’m going. We’re listening. But could it not break my heart to listen?

Do you know how much I love you? Do you know how hard it is to go? I hate leaving you but I have to go. I hope you understand. I hope you know how much you mean to me. I love you. I need new books.

I love you. I need new books because God knows I can’t replace you. I love you bitches.

Christmas Eve Eve

So today is December 23. Its Christmas Eve Eve. Does it feel that way to you guys? It doesn’t even feel like December to me, let alone two days before Christmas.

This had always been my favorite time of year. The snow and lights, the hot chocolate and carols, the tree and wrapping presents. It always gets me. But recently, year after year, it doesn’t feel like Christmas.

Is it because they’re calling for 50 degrees instead of a white Christmas? Is it because my boys are getting older and they know gifts are coming from mom and dad and not a man in a red suit? Is it because we never took the drive to look at the Christmas lights? Is it because instead of toys under the tree, its mostly clothes because there will be the gaming computer you’ve been asking for?

I don’t know. I can’t tell you why it doesn’t feel like Christmas this year. I know I went through this same thing last year. Is it because Grandma and Grandpa are both gone now, and Grandpa on dad’s side so we don’t even have a Christmas Eve family thing we do. Is it because of the weather? Is it because my boys are teenager and almost teenager? I honestly don’t know.

What I do know is that you could tell me this is a cold October and I would believe you. You could tell me I’m just not trying hard enough. You could tell me lots of things and you could be right.

For the record, the only nativity scene I got out was Grandpa John’s little one. I didn’t get out my super very nice one. I did pull out the Advent calendar and filled it with treats for the boys, but it was December 6th when I did that. I brought the tree in from the garage, but the boys put it together, decorated it, and then decorated the rest of the house. I’m just not feeling it.

And it’s not the Jesus part. The baby in the manger that saved us all, I feel that. It’s the rest of it. Twice in the last week when my normal radio station was playing commercials, I turned to the local Christian music station. They advertise all Christmas all the time this time of year. Both times I caught a sermon and no music.

The first time the pastor was talking about when Jesus called Peter to walk on the water. And he started talking about fear. Fear is what made Peter sink. I really enjoyed what he was saying and listened to it the whole way home. It didn’t feel like a Christmas sermon but whatever.

A couple days later, on my way home I tried again to get the Christmas carols because Christian Christmas carols are my favorite. And again the preacher was talking. And again he was talking about Peter walking on the water with Jesus. And then the preacher said that if you read the story it says Peter started to sink. STARTED TO SINK. The preacher went on to say that fear doesn’t overtake you and you are immediately underwater. The fear slowly sneaks in and it slowly pulls you under.

I’d never thought of it that way. But that’s exactly the way it works. Fear slowly pulls you under the water. And I’ve been there. I’ve felt the fear pull me down slowly. It grabs on to one thing, and then another, and then another. And then suddenly like Peter was underwater and then I feel the same way.

And maybe that’s why it doesn’t feel like Christmas. Maybe it’s fear. Maybe I stopped looking at Jesus like Peter. I know why I celebrate Christmas, and my family knows why we celebrate Christmas. My boys can tell you the original Christmas story. We talk about Jesus’s birthday a lot.

But I do have fear. Am I not doing it right? Am I missing something? Am I not good enough? Am I not doing enough?

Even if it doesn’t feel like Christmas, take this moment and look to Jesus. Look at the baby in the manger. Look at the mom who knew her baby is going to save the world. Think of the mom who has to be full of fear because the little baby she is holding is going to change everything.

If fear is pulling you under the water, look to Jesus. Especially the next two days, I’m going to try to overcome the fear, not just about the holiday but all my fears, and just look at Jesus. I hope that you all can look to Jesus and walk on the water instead of sinking.

Wishing you the merriest of Christmas’s

Love 2crazylittleboys

Do you miss me?

I wrote these words a couple weeks ago on Facebook but chose not to post them mostly cause I knew people on fb would think I was talking about an ex. I’m not. It’s about a friend. And then tonight I went to post of fb and my words popped up because fb saved them. They are all true. I mean every word. And apparently fb wants me to share them so I’m sharing them here.

I mean every word. She was my everything way back when. But the friends I have today are better friends than she ever was. They love me for me. They let me rant and rave when I need to. They held me close when grandpa and grandma died. They know me at my best and my worst. They’ve dried my tears. They seen my biggest laughs. They’ve been all in when I said “those are our rocks and we’re taking them back!” And then they drove me to said rocks and helped me take back rocks larger than I could lift by myself. They are real and honest and true and more than I thought I would ever have.

So I’m sharing my words about her that I know she will never see. But it’s so those I have now, that I know will see I posted here and will read it solely because they are my words, will know how much they mean to me.

So know, if you’re reading these words, you’re probably considered in the top group. I love you and am so thankful you would take a moment to read my words.

These are the words fb wants to me share:

Every once in a while a post pops up on my Facebook page with your face and I remember what was. What was was amazing. I understand that we’ve both grown and changed and the people we are today wouldn’t be friends, but it still makes me long for what was when I see your face. Do you miss me like I miss you? And I’m not going to post this because I don’t share this kind of business because it’s nobody’s business but ours. And I know how fb works and people would think it’s an ex. Do you ever missing me with a physical pain like I miss you? I don’t think of you every day. Sometimes I go weeks or even months without thinking of you. And then fb pops it right back up in my time line. Did you really walk away so easy? It feels like you did. I was alone and you made all these new friends. Replaced me so fast.

I have amazing relationships right now, more girlfriends than I’ve ever had and they are great. They are the best. I didn’t know I could have friends like what I have now. But none of them are you. Honestly, some are better than you ever were but they can’t replace you and I’m sorry that my heart always aches for you. I hope your life is amazing. The small parts I get to see make it seem like they are. My life is amazing. The only thing that could make it better is if we were now what we were then. I still love you. That doesn’t stop. But I’ve reached the point that even if I’m as vulnerable as I am right now, I won’t reach out to you. I’ve done that too many times with no response. I would take you back in a heartbeat but I don’t know that I could survive you not responding even one more time. Love has no limits but spirits do, at least the way I look at it. My spirit does.

I saw your mom twice in one week after not seeing her since I saw you. It was weird the first time because I wanted to ask about you and your family that I don’t know and show her my family that you don’t know. The second time it was easier because there was a lot of people around us and we could talk about that. I wondered if she told you she saw me. I wanted her to see my boys so you would know my baby is several inches taller than me and I have a teenager now. Do you know I have a teenager?

There’s so much you don’t know. You don’t know that Cameron hates touching but Connor hugs everyone. I wish you knew these things. But do you know what’s better than you knowing these thing? Those I have today know all these things and more. They know my boys are called Thick and Thin because a grandpa figure couldn’t keep their names straight. They know what video games they love. They know my boys enough that when the boys say or do something they aren’t supposed to, they get on them. The people I have today know all the things I thought you would know. Do you ever think about how you were supposed to know these things about my kids or how I don’t know anything about yours? Do you ever wish I knew yours like I wish you knew mine?

My joys

I miss what we were. But I wouldn’t trade what I have today for what I had then. Mostly, while I hope you miss me like I miss you, I wish there was a way that today me and today you could be what yesterday me and you thought we would be. I know that’s not realistic so I pray your life today is as amazing as my life today is. It doesn’t make me miss you less but the thought that you are as stupidly happy as I am makes it easier to know we can’t be what we were.

We’re stupid happy together

I miss you. I love you. I’m sorry you won’t see these words I wrote for you.

These are just some of my people and they are amazing. I wish you could know them.

Grief Doesn’t Have a Time Limit

Tonight we brought our extra (our girl) home with us. Her school is on fall break this week so on a Thursday night she can come home with us and it’s no big deal. I thought we were going to watch football when we got home (Georgia Tech v Virginia Tech), but they all decided we should watch/listen to YouTube instead.

All three kids and Chris had ideas of what songs we should listen to. Chris turned on the first song. I said Jaidyn could pick the next song, and then Connor and then Cameron. (Honestly it was just the way they got to me.) However sometimes YouTube turns the next song on and you just have to listen to it.

When it got to Jaidyn’s second time to pick she asked for “Drink a Beer.” Most people know it because Luke Bryan sings it. I know Chris Stapleton wrote it and also sings it so that was the version we listened to.

In case you don’t know it about my three kids, they have all had so many people they love die. And Jaidyn asked for the song because she was thinking about one of those people who all five of us loved.

YouTube knows how we normally listen to music so they took us “Broken Halos” next. So how could we change it? And then because we were neck deep in “people we love have died” Chris as an adult got to throw his pick in next. He said since we were this far in he wanted Brooks and Dunn’s “Believe” which is our Grandpa John song.

Everyone understands that Dad gets to pick a song and then Connor’s song is next. No big deal. And then I watch Connor run to my bedroom. Thinking the other two kids were jerks, I follow to find out what’s going on and who’s in trouble. I find Connor sitting on the floor, his back against my dresser and tears running down his cheeks.

I sat down next to him and asked him what happened. He said, “Why did you have to play that?!” Honestly, I thought he was mad that he didn’t get to pick the song. I told him when it was over he got to pick the next song. That just made him cry harder and made him mad at me. I told him I was sorry but I didn’t know what was wrong.

He leaned into me and said, “I miss Grandpa John so much.” My heart broke and I felt like such a jerk all at the same time. I thought of all the times that I’ve sat and cried (normally on my husband’s lap) over these past three years. And let me tell you, regularly I sit on my husband’s lap and he holds me while I cry about how much I miss my grandpa. (Not the point of this but important enough to say I have an amazing husband.)

Connor told me repeatedly that he misses Grandpa John. He told me how mad he was that we played that song that makes him think about Grandpa and reminds him how much he misses Grandpa. We talked about how we all miss Grandpa John. I told Connor how proud Grandpa would be of him. How Grandpa is with Jesus and because Connor loves Jesus someday we will be with Grandpa again, but Grandpa wants us to live long full lives.

We laughed about how Connor is almost as tall as Grandpa John because the year before Grandpa died I broke my right foot. For my last doctor’s appointment Grandpa stayed at my house with the boys and Grandma drove me to the doctor. Apparently while we were gone the boys showed Grandpa the papers taped to the wall where I measured the boys. Connor was already taller than the 48 inches so I had taped a blue paper to the wall above it. Grandpa was taller than that paper reached but he made a line at the top of the paper and wrote Grandpa John for the boys. What seemed super tall to them at the time is almost their current height.

We laughed at all the “naughty” stuff Grandpa used to do with my boys. The three of them were always looking for trouble. We talked about how Grandpa wants Connor to live a long and good life.

Even though I know Connor has seen my tears, we talked about the times that I need to sit and cry and how that’s okay. Some times we miss Grandpa so much we need to cry about it, but someday we will be back together again. And it’s okay to be sad. There’s not a time limit on our sadness.

Honestly I sometimes forget how much my boys miss my grandpa. They probably miss him as much as I do. They did so much together. And sometimes we all just need to sit and cry about it. Grief doesn’t have a time limit. Connor and I cried together for a little bit. Then we wiped our faces, stood up, and went back to the living room. We both just needed that little break tonight to remember a man we both loved so much.If you are missing someone today, don’t let people tell you that you should be over it. Grief doesn’t have a time limit. One month, three months, one year, three years, ten years it doesn’t matter. Your grief is yours. And while you continue to live, you don’t “get over” losing someone you love. It’s okay to cry for your lose. We still cry for ours.

Jewelia Paige

Maybe everyone’s childhood was like mine, but I believe mine was extra special. I have two brothers by birth, but in my childhood home there was almost always more than three kids. There was constantly at least one extra living with us, or spending the night so often it felt like they lived with us.

With no extra thought at all I can come up with two boys and two girls that I would call brothers and sisters. Even all these years later, these kids are my siblings. Even though its been years since I’ve seen them, they are family in my heart.

Girls talk about the bonds of sisters and I’ve always been jealous. I was already a teen when I got my sisters so I know the bond isn’t the same but I love them both with all that I am. I would do anything for them no matter how late in life I got them.

One sister moved across the country from me so I rarely get to see her, but that doesn’t stop how much I love her. I watch her on Facebook and am jealous of the vacations she takes (although Hawaii during a hurricane seems like a bad plan.).

The other sister stayed close but as we all know, as you grow older you grow apart. We both got married. We moved in different directions. We had kids. Life happened. And, as life works, when you’re not forced by blood to get together, you forget to get together. Our lives grew, and we forgot to force the times to see each other. We stayed connected by Facebook as everyone does these days. We talked about get togethers, but as life does, it seemed to get in the way.

I’ve watched on Facebook my sister’s daughter grow older. I’ve watched my sister take in fosters and love them as much as if she birthed them. She loves them as we love her. I watched as she got sick. I saw her in the hospital. I saw her liver and kidneys start to shut done. I cried as they talked about her needing a transplant.

Last night I was sleeping when the text came that she wasn’t going to make it. And I cried when I got the message and she was already with Jesus. I cried for the sister I lost and wished I had done more to see her. I cried for my brothers who probably feel the loss even more than I do. I cried for her husband who has to raise those kids without her. I cried for those kids who lost an amazing mother.

I know God has a plan and all of this is part of His plan, but, seriously some times God’s plan just sucks. And this is one of those times. I trust His plan and I know He has one, but today is one of those days where it’s hard to understand how this can be part of it.

I know His plan is good and He uses all things for His good, but I will never understand how leaving children without a mother can be good. I will never understand how there are people ready to meet Jesus, and those who are so young are called home. And I know on this side of Heaven I will never understand it.

Jewelia, I will always love you. I’m sorry for those times we were supposed to see each other and life worked against us. I will remember that time I marched into the high school to explain why you were late when the school was being a jerk and I told the secretary off when she thought I wouldn’t stand up to her. I’ll remember those times in our yard sitting on the swing talking about nothing that matters once your out of your teens. I’ll remember. Your children will always be in my heart. You will always be in my heart. I love you and I’ll miss you. My sister in my heart, I’ll see you again.

Easter Is Sneaking Up On Us

We are just over a week away from Easter. This year feels so different from the years past. It doesn’t feel like it’s time for Easter. And I know Easter comes early this year, but it seems like more than that.

In the years past, the boys and I have done a lot of talking leading up to Easter. One year, we went on a search to find the cross. One year we talked about the lamb. Every year, we doing lots of talking, and Easter never sneaks up on us. This year it’s sneaking up on us and I’m not sure why.

Maybe it’s because we leave for vacation Easter morning. I guess that’s possible, but it doesn’t feel likely because we have a plan. I’ve told Chris that I don’t care what time we leave the house. We can leave at 4 am if he wants but some time between 10 and 11, he had to pull over and find me a church because I will not miss Easter service. I don’t care what church, but I need a church that morning. And the people vacationing with us can stop with us, or keep driving and we will catch up later.

Maybe it’s the fact that I recently became in charge of a group of kids every other Friday night, and I’m in charge of their Easter party. I’m in charge of the Easter bunny and the egg hunt and everything in between, and I hate the Easter bunny and just want to tell them all about Jesus and the real reason we celebrate Easter. (And it’s so much more amazing than a bunny leaving candy.) What would happen if I told the REAL Easter story in the middle of the party?

But maybe the real reason it doesn’t feel right is because I don’t have a church that I feel like I will be missing leaving for vacation Easter morning. Right now I don’t have a church that I want to go to on Sunday mornings. I don’t have a church that seems worth that extra hour or two I can sleep if we don’t go.

This makes me feel like a terrible mom. I grew up in Sunday School and that’s what I wanted for my boys. But churches don’t have Sunday School anymore. They have kid’s church which takes the children out of the service. I want my kids in the service with me. I want them to be able to sit for that hour (counting music) with me. And my recent experience with kid’s church is that it is all fluff. We watch Veggie Tales at home. I don’t want that on Sunday mornings.

So it puts me in a place where I don’t know what to do. I want a church that I WANT to go to on Sunday mornings. I want a church where I know my kids are getting Jesus when they aren’t by my side. I want Jesus.

Easter is an amazing day. Jesus DIED and then Easter morning he ROSE FROM THE GRAVE TO SAVE US ALL! I want more. I want to not be surprised that Easter is a week away. I want every day to feel like Easter.

My Family

Once I was in my 20s, people started saying how much I looked like my mom. We had never seen it before. I was shy and quiet, and my mom was always loud. How could we look the same? But the older I get, the more people say we are the same and the more I act like her. And just so we’re clear, there is no one I would rather be like than my mom

My mom is the best. Even when we disagree and she makes me crazy (and she does make me crazy) she is the best. My mom is my best friend. When I lose my direction, she is the arrow pointing me north. I don’t know what I would do without her. And when life overwhelms my mom, I like to believe that I am her north star. Without each other, we would be lost.

Before I can remember, my parents took in strays. I’ve heard the stories so I know there were little boys who we loved as our own. And then a parent showed up and took those boys away from us. I don’t remember their names or how they came to be with us, but if you asked I would say there where three boys and I think I remember them sleeping on the floor by mom’s side of the bed or at least in their room.

I remember as a teenager, just out of school, we had another girl living with us. Mom was out of town and I had to go to the local high school and explain why Jewelia was late for school. The only proof we had of our relationship was love, and let me tell you, the government doesn’t use love as proof of anything. One of the few times I remember my dad crying was the day Jewelia (at 16) was made to leave us.

I’ve looked back at those who we loved. Yes we had Jewelia who was made to leave us, but we also had Joey, who had amazing parents but always ended up at our door, Meagan, who I consider my sister to this day, Seth who came to spend spring break at our house and then left two years later when he graduated high school. Daniel who I’m pretty sure went on as many family vacations that I went on with my family.  I have so many more siblings than the two brothers my mom gave birth to.

For as long as I can remember we have called these extra kids strays. And the ones I can give names to are just the beginning. There were always extra kids at my house. And we loved each and every one of them.

As I grew up and got married and moved on, my husband was reminded repeatedly that girls normally turn into their mothers and my husband said he would be honored if I turned into mine. Fourteen years later I have to remind him of what he said.

My mom adopted stray kids. And while every sad kid story makes me want to take those kids into my home, I’ve adopted a different kind of stray. I’ve taken in adult strays. Those grown ups that think no one loves them. Those that don’t speak to their parents. Those whose parents have died. Those who just need someone to tell them the truth. Those who need someone to love them.

Some days it makes my husband crazy, but as long as I don’t move them in, he will love my strays as much as I do. They need parents to tell them no. They need someone to say they’re making a mistake. They need someone to say, I believe in you and want the best for you. They can sleep on my couch. They can cry on my shoulder. I will cry with them and sometimes I cry for them once they leave.

My husband tells me regularly that I can’t make their decisions for them, I’m not their boss no matter how much I feel like their mom. What I can do is love them and pray for them. And whether they like it or not, my God is their Father and I know He hears our prayers. I know that even when our prayers end with us in tears and not understanding, He knows and His time is so much better than ours.

When my sister is pulled from my home and my dad is in tears, my Father cries with us. When all I can do is cry out, my Father is crying out with me. When I feel like no one hears me, my Father asks why no one is listening to Me.

If you don’t think God is listening, take a moment and listen closer. God is crying with you. Your pain is His pain. He loves you and so do I. You are my family. My family is so much bigger than blood could make it. I love you all so much.

I wasn’t ready for this

It’s starting to feel like I only write when I’m asking for people to give or when something bad has happened. And let’s be honest, today fits right into that mold.

I used to talk to my mom on the phone every day. She would call me on her way home from work, and we would chat for that 15 minute drive. Then my brother started working with her and since they live 1/2 mile apart, they started carpooling most days. That meant that my mom only called me on days when my brother wasn’t with her. It was hard (annoying) at first, but I’ve gotten used to it.

Normally on Tuesdays my brother rides with my mom so I was obviously surprised when my phone rang around 5 and it was my mom. She thought she was so funny telling me how sorry she was that she wouldn’t be able to see us the next day. She was sorry that I decided we wouldn’t be able to see her. (Wednesdays weather permitting the boys and I go to my mom’s house to spend time with Grandma Jo and then see my parents. The weather is a lot less permitting in the winter that the other 3 seasons.) Finally asked why “I” decided we couldn’t go over. My dad and Grandma Jo were both sick with the flu. We talked the rest of her drive home and said good-bye when she pulled in the garage. It should be a few days until I talked to her again.

You can’t imagine my surprise, my shock, my panic when about an hour later my phone rang and the caller ID showed my mom’s name. I had been messing around on Facebook and answered on the first ring. She doesn’t call me at night. My phone should not have rang.

My mom was a mess and the strongest she’s even been when I answered the phone. She said, “I think Grandma had a stroke. The ambulance came and got her. I’m on my way to the hospital.”

I can’t even tell you my reaction. I got this same call 2 years ago, but this time is worse because I know how that story ended. The last time I got this call Grandpa had brain cancer and died. And that was hard and I didn’t want to lose Grandpa. I wasn’t ready for that, but I’m really not ready to lose Grandma.

And as broken as I felt, I held it together. I got the information Mom needed to give me. I was strong for her. I hung up the phone, told my husband what happened and took 1 minute to fall apart. Then I made the calls that she needed to me to make.

They made it to the hospital and confirmed that she did have the flu. They didn’t think it was a stroke, but the flu was bad enough they were transferring her to a bigger hospital. Okay. I can do that. The flu is extra bad this year. They transferred her and did an MRI and EKG the next morning. She has the flu, and it was a stroke.

If you know anything about my grandma, you know she is so ready to be in Heaven with my grandpa. She’s been telling us all since Grandpa died that she just wants to be with him. So my first thoughts with all of this is that she was just going to give up. I’m not ready to lose her. That may be super selfish, but I need her for just a little bit longer.

But the one thing she wants more than to be with Grandpa is to not be a burden on her family so she keeps fighting. The location in the brain where her stroke was just affected mobility on the right side. It didn’t affect her memories or attitude or personality. She is as ornery ever. Her speech is slow and affected, but she makes jokes with the doctors that they don’t get.

Grandma and Grandpa always thought that she would die first. They planned for that. We know she has an aneurysm in her brain. Any day it could move and kill her. But it hasn’t. This week we learned things about her heart. It is bad when your aorta is enlarged. At 3cm they do surgery. Grandma’s aorta is 6cm. That makes your heart pump too fast and, instead of sending the blood out faster, your heart is pumping too fast and the blood can’t get out of the heart and instead pools around in your heart and starts clotting and that clot is what caused Grandma’s stroke.

We’ve been told that with the kind of stroke she had that with medication there is less than a 15% of her having another stroke. I guess if you must have a stroke, it’s the best kind you could have. Although that information came before we knew how swollen her aorta is.

Mostly we are being told that with rehab, Grandma will get back 60% mobility on her right side. She will be able to walk, but she will probably have to use a walker. They want to do heart surgery eventually. It’s hard for some people to understand but she is looking for quality of life over quantity. She’s been ready for Heaven for 2 years.

So today I’m feeling the same feelings I had 2 years ago. I feel selfish and guilty. I want Grandma to live, to be healthy and strong and for us to have years more of Wednesday visits. But I don’t get to make these decisions. I don’t get to pick. And my mom sits at the hospital all day and I think I should be doing something, but there is literally nothing I can do. Even if I drove to the hospital, they wouldn’t let me and the boys in.

So it’s all in God’s hands. And I pray for His will. For the right thing. If He chooses for us to have her longer I will rejoice in that and if He chooses for her to be with Grandpa, I will mourn for our lose, for the world’s lose, but rejoice in knowing that she is with Grandpa.

If you, dear readers, would pray for my family. The selfish part of me wants you to pray for healing and the unselfish part asks for you to pray that His will be done. Either way pray for Grandma to be at peace and for God to be with us all.

 

 

Thanks for the Hope

 

December has just been crazy around here. A lot of the time it hasn’t felt like December, and it’s hard to believe that Christmas is less than a week away. We’ve had Christmas parties and family come into town. We finally managed to get a tree last weekend and start our own Christmas shopping. There is still so much to do and so much going on in the next week. (And the week after that, if I’m being honest.)

I went back and forth a lot on whether I was going to do Hope for the Holidays this year. It’s always a lot of pressure on me to make sure I’m doing what’s right. I do my best to make sure there are no repeats or fraud. This year was especially frustrating as we did have fraud. There were two posts with different stories that came from the same person. And the most frustrating part of all of it was that one of those stories was part of the reason I did this again this year.

However, we all go into this with our eyes and our hearts open. It is all a matter of faith. And while one person lied and got help before I could get it shut down, we helped a lot of really great people. Nine families received a little extra help this year, a little bit of their burden lifted. They got a little hope from strangers across the internet.

This year we helped a single mother whose daughter needed a winter coat and a little something under the tree. We helped grandparents who are raising their grandchildren. We had people write in requests for their neighbors because they knew they needed help. We helped several families who struggle to put food on their tables. We helped families from the east coast all the way to Alaska.

Thank you to everyone who gave this year. Thank you for caring for people you don’t know and will never meet. Thank you for supporting me in my small part of giving back. If you want to give, it’s not too late. I’m sure any of the families we’ve given to could use a little more help, and there were several new comments today from people who just heard about us and could use some help.

From my family to yours,
Merry Christmas